Yesterday was a complete slide back down the mountain for me. My day started with an internet search of the drug Arimadex I am supposed to take for 5 years to prevent cancer recurrence (breast or any other kind).The reported side effects include hot flashes and bone density loss, among other things. I remembered how hot my hot flashes werefrom taking Tamoxifen (for 5 years) after my first bout with breast cancer. Then the tearful pity-party started.

But at least I was feeling my feelings, like Geneen Roth tells us to do! A little bit later in the day (I still had not gathered the energy to shower and dress), the email came about the death of my English professor at Mary Baldwin College who was also my faculty advisor. And another wave of crying crashed on my heart's shore. But again, I was feeling my feelings, not eating a box of cookies or carton of ice cream. 

I finally got dressed (thank God for make up, it always makes me feel better) and left for Target to pick up digital bath scales with a cool glass platform I had seen at the radiologist's office. Then I went by my mother's house to drop off these recent newsletters since her computer is on the blink. Tornados sirens started blaring. My husband called and said to stay put, wait until the multiple tornados touching down around Oklahoma City blew over. My mother offered me a glass of Dry Sack sherry- it's a drink we both enjoy- and we watched on TV the tornado funnels not all that far away. She brought out blankets just in case. I emptied my sherry glass and poured another one. (I did have some chicken- always that protein balance.) I thought of my husband on the other side of town. And then the 'fragility of life' panic button went off inside me.

The storms passed and I drove home. My husband had a wonderful glass of fine red wine waiting for me. I fixed a big salad with roasted chicken (following my balance experiment) for dinner. (I'll have to do better tonight- don't think it got a high rating.) Of course, we finished the bottle- after all, hadn't we just survived a tornado? Hadn't my revered professor died? Hadn't I faced the miserable truth that I have to take a drug for 5 long years because I got breast cancer again? 

After dinner I got on my shiny new glass scales. I knew I would weigh more- I had just eaten. But then I got on my old scales. My new scales made by Taylor, a company founded in 1851 whose motto has always been ACCURACY, showed me FIVE POUNDS heavier than my old scales. That is when I got the chocolate out. Well, I didn't go completely overboard but I did slip back into my old ways of stuffing my feelings, first with sherry, then with wine, and then with chocolate. Of course, this morning the scales - my old scales mind you-had me exactly where I had started 5 days ago!!! And my new scales showed I had GAINED 5 pounds!

So here's the SPIRITUAL, PHYSICAL, MENTAL, and EMOTIONAL all rolled into one: My momma said there would be days like this......but that little devil saying- "GIVE UP, you'll never win this battle!" has been kicked out.  He's not going to win. WE ARE.

See you tomorrow, my sisters-in-arms! Lolly