I just finished Geneen Roth's book Women Food and God. If you have been following our 30-Day Balance Experiment, you can tell I like the book. At the end she asks us to do an Inquiry of ourselves. "Start with the most compelling sensations and ask these questions: Does the sensation have shape, volume, texture, color? How does it affect me to feel this way?....How old do I feel when I feel this?"        

So I took my most compelling sensations and followed her instructions. Some background: I recently completed breast cancer treatment-a lumpectomy and multi-catheter radiation. The voodoo doll (as my husband called it) ‘pins' which I ‘wore' for eight days came out May 6. I am trying to get back in shape after spending most of 2010 feeding my feelings and fears with red wine and chocolate. Hence this Balance Experiment! Every time I exercise on the elliptical or do any kind of housework (like vacuum and mop), during the night, or the next morning, and/or all the next day, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Shooting pain in the obvious place but also in my back which was my last big health crisis. Yesterday my frustration level hit an all time high. Today I went to bed in the early afternoon, in pain and a lousy mood, and started my ‘Inquiry.'

What did these pains feel like? Hot and red in the breast. Cold and blue in my back. I wanted cold packs on the front and a heating pad on the back, which I had. These pains on a 1-10 scale are not a 10. So why am I so upset? As I wrote and thought through this, I became calmer and calmer.

Not being able to move, to exercise, to clean my house, to have the boundless energy I used to have makes me feel HELPLESS, VULNERABLE, and WORTHLESS. That's what "The Voice" as Geneen Roth calls it, is telling me. My mother would say 'that's Satan telling you those things.'

I had to admit that I equate my self-worth to good works. Going to law school, check! Losing weight, check! Cooking a tasty meal, check! Cleaning the screen porch from top to bottom, check! And if I don't have self-worth, then no one will love me, especially my husband. After I worked through all this on paper, I saw how deep-seated it was, but also how shallow. I don't judge other people that way. Do I?

The individuals I love I love because of their spirits, their style, their values. I can think of tons of people who are thin, educated, etc, etc, etc, etc whom I don't even respect much less love. This exercise made me stop and wonder what gauntlet I'm making myself run through so that I feel worthy.  I decided to start judging myself like I ‘judge' my beloved friends, which again is: spirit, style, values. Certainly not what they weigh!!

SPIRITUAL thought/action: Today I believe the truth that I am accepted by God.

PHYSICAL thought/action: Today I calm myself and listen in deep silence.

MENTAL thought/action: "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 RSV

EMOTIONAL thought/action: Today I look for meaning in pain, suffering, and loss.

It is amazing what writing down our fears does to dissipate them. This is my second bout of breast cancer; will I get cancer again? If I don't use the CPAP machine because of my apnea, will I die of a heart attack like my father did? Will my back always hurt after I do certain activities? Will Mike die early? These are my biggest fears. What good does it do for me to dwell on any of this??

I then wrote out my What If list.....What if God came down and said, Tell me what you want. And after writing item after item, I remembered a little book called How My Magic Refrigerator Sent Me to Paris Free and remembered how true it is that what we think about is what we get. I'm thinking about my What If list and I am so happy visualizing my heart's desires.

Remember we are not on a diet. We are on a 30-Day journey to retrain our minds and hearts, our ideal bodies will follow.  Yours for the journey (as long as it takes)- Lolly